A Dose of My Own Medicine?

Okay, so many people have accused me of "disguising" my voice and leaving voice mails on people's work phones, be it "Rogers In Accoutning," "Peterson in Shipping and Receiving," a telemarkter, or some deranged customer. But as far as all of you know, Rogers is as real as a pink slip. So you better take this guy seriously. Rumor has it he is a real ball buster.

Anyway, to date, I have been duped by a prankster at work once. And that was by a mysterious fellow who goes by the moniker "Mick Golden" and hides out in his suburban enclacve playing Playstation II games he pirated from Japan.

"Mick Golden" called me in a old-man's voice and told me his son was having trouble with the "sh" sound. When I asked him how old his son was, he said "forty-six." We get a lot of weird therapy requests, which I usually pass onto my boss. I was half-way through telling this guy how my boss is just the person to handle this evaluation, when I realized I was succumbing to a dose of my own medicine. "Mick Golden" had got the best of me.

So, my question is this: Has "Mick Golden" or one of his cohorts struck again? As I was leaving work today around 5:30 the phone rang. I answered the call and the following is the closest I can come to remembering the actual exchange.

Me: Hello?

Angry Lady: This is your neighbor. Do you know why I'm calling?

Me: What?

Angry lady: THIS IS YOUR NEIGHBOR!!!

Me: Who?

Angry Lady: YOUR NEIGHBOR!! I SAW YOU TAKE MY NEWSPAPER THIS MORNING!!!

Me: Rrrrrrrright....

Angry Lady: I saw you take it. I saw you take my paper.

Me: Who is this?

Angry Lady: Your neighbor. I saw you take my paper.

Me: Okay we've established all that already. Is this a joke?

Angry Lady: No you took my paper. I need my paper. How will I keep up with the current events? I need to the current events.

That last statement was too ridiculous. I decided I was being toyed with. Even if this wasn't a prank, I realized this lady could not articulate anything beyond a) she was my neighbor, b) I took her paper, and c) she needed the paper.

Either way, it was time to end the call.

Me: Listen, I have to go.

Lady: Hold on I'm gonna have you talk to my husband!

-click-

And there lies my biggest regret. I hung up before the husband got on.

So this is strangest wrong number phone call I have ever participated in. Unless of course, the whole thing was a hoax. Will some crazed phone prankster out there will step forward and take responsibility for the Jerky Boys attack on my workplace? I can't tell you how badly I want this to be a real call. It added a little joy to a very stressful time of the year at work.

And before you guys assume this wasn't a prank or the wrong number let me clear about this: I didn't steal anyone's newspaper this morning. By the way, how dated is my "Jerky Boys" reference? Those guys are soooo 1995!

A (Flash-Animation) Picture Is Worth 1,000 Words

If you're at work, and can't have your computer making talky-talk noises, wait until you get home to check out Mark Fiore's latest cartoon. If you have a dial-up, it's worth the minute or so it will take to download this bad boy. Click here to see for yourself.

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Is this a joke?"

"Excuse me is this a joke?" Or so says Nigel in This Is Spinal Tap when David's girlfriend thinks the band members should wear a costume fashioned after each individual's zodiac sign (I wish one of the characters was a libra--what would that costume look like?).

Why does this quote come to mind? Click here and see for yourself. Or as John McEnroe once said in a fit of rage, "You cannot be serious!!!"

Child of the Corn

Last weekend Emily and I went to our farm co-op in rural Wisconsin. It's was really cool to see the actual source of all the food we get once a week. Plus I never knew what a broccoli plant looked like, but that's for Emily to blog about.

Anyway, we spent about half the day there, and the lady that runs the farm put us to work, as you can see below. We gathered all our own corn, shucked it, and cooked. We also had to wash our own dishes. It was a true co-op. We had a great time.


You may not be able to tell that I am hauling a wheelbarrow full of corn.

Another tidbit we learned is you can eat the sweet corn raw, straight off the stalk. It was damn good, but even better when cooked. You'd think I'd know this already, seeing as how I spent four years running cross country and track for a college in Iowa. Indeed, I probably ran past 1,000,000 corn stalks in that time. But that was all seed corn. Big hard chunks of seed. Eating a central Iowa corn cob raw would be like eating a molar cob. Not so with sweet corn. It was so sweet and rich, that it tasted pre-buttered.

So after a weekend of eating organic vegetables and free-range beef, I need to counteract all that. What better way than by going to the State Fair for the last two nights! Since we've gone at night, there's not much to do but watch bands, go to the midway, and eat. Most of the exhibits are closed at night.

The first night I had a beer, mini donuts, sausage-on-a-stick (wrapped in bread), and pork chop-on-a-stick for dinner. Last night it was part of Emily's turkey tenderloin on-a-stick, most of her beer, lemonade, and a very mediocre chicken fajita. Take that healthy, organic eating!

By the way, the new food-on-a-sticks that are getting all the buzz is key lime pie on-a-stick and deep fried Twinkie on-a-stick. And the most controversial is the fan the Republican party is handing out: Lies Told by the DFL On-A-Stick. For you non-Minnesotans, DFL is the Democrats (Democratic Farm-Labor party to be exact). The college Republicans were standing in front of th DFL booth, handing the fans out. Classy. Partisan politics is getting very ugly in Minnesota.

For more on the State Fair, including Emily's family competing in the fair, click here.

Zantastic!!!!

My most excellent friends Zander and Julie were in the Twin Cities for about a week. I had such a great time seeing them. It felt as if they had never been gone, the way we were able to pick up where we left off when they moved to Japan a year ago.

The good news is they'll be moving back to Minnesota next summer. Another piece of good news is Zander's good friend Shad and I got back in touch. Another friend (a secretive microchip engineer who goes by the alias "Mick Golden") and I have finally set an attainable goal. We intend to contact Shad so we can all hang out together within the next two weeks.

But we'll see. I invited Shad and his wife to go to the State Fair with us, but they were so fucking indifferent to the proposition that I'm calling off what was a burgeoning friendship. Rot in hell you Fair Haters!!!

But, as per usual, I digress. It was cool to see Zander and "Beautiful" Julie again. Rather than marinate this blog with a bunch of inside jokes (except for an obligatory mention of the Seven Dwarves), I will direct to you to Shad's mobile phone blog. Click here to scroll through his "moblog" and you will come across pictures of Zander and BJ's visit. This includes some pictures of me (and Emily) wearing the gifts Zander and BJ generously gave us (all I gave them was a new nickname for Julie). I also put Shad's two moblogs on the permanent links section in Blognation. Stuck in traffic is a pretty cool idea, I must say.

Maybe Shad's next moblog will be "I HATE THE FAIR," which will just be a bunch of pictures of him giving the finger to fairgoers.

Emily has figured out how we can post our own photos as well. So I hope to add that to my blog soon, starting with some other pics of me, Em, Zander, and BJ.

Grungy Old men

Today when I was running around Lake Calhoun, I ran by an old man who was walking in the other direction. Lake Calhoun is populated moslty with 20somethings: a bunch of musclebound meat heads who threaten my masculinty and rollerblading ex-sorority girls wearing make-up.

Before you accuse me of being a lake bigot, and tell me how it's not cool to stereotype lakes or girls that exercise in make-up, hear me out. There are easily thousands of people a day that go around Calhoun that are exceptions to this rule. And this includes myself and this old guy that I was coming across.


image from http://www.phototour.minneapolis.mn.us/

Anyway, old guys on the lake always catch my eye beause I think it's inspiring to see them still exercising and because they are one of the few men on Lake Calhoun who don't make me look like, well, candyass British royalty.

But what was notable about this guy is he was wearing a Speedo. A real snug one too, I might add. Just walking along with nothing on but his glasses, sandals, and Speedo. I'm not sure if he was who the lasses had in mind when they put their lipstick and rollerblades on this morning, but he certainly caught my attention.

So this brings me to my point in all this. For years, I have been looking forward to, and not dreading, getting old. I'm sure the rest of my 30s, 40s, and ensuing mid-life crisis will be a grand time. Parenthood will shake the foundations of my identity and have some profound maturing and nurturing effect on me.

But that's all the appetizer. I can't wait to be an old fart. If I want to wear my Speedo in public, who's to stop me? I'm an old man! If I want to shout nonsense like "ball five!" at random, who will disagree with me? People will have to respect every action I do, no matter how ludricous it is.

The downside to all this is the dying part. So I need to stay healthy to really maximize those golden years. That's why you'll see me at the YWCA tomorrow working out and then eating a salad for dinner. Between now and then, I'll be fine-tuning my old man skills. Anyone up for whiskey sours for breakfast?

BALL FIVE!!!

Seventeen Shopping Days Until Labor Day

And I still haven't submitted my gift list to the world. So, to the Labor Day Genie, I submit my three wishes:

1. From Wonderfullywacky.com, the Beer Belt.



Image from http://www.wonderfullywacky.com/beerbelt.htm

2. To help me support the troops, our friends at Atlantic Toys are selling Special Ops 'Sniper' Stanley!!! I can't wait to take this guy to work, so the kids and I can play with this bad motherfucker!!!!

Image from http://atlantictoys.safeshopper.com/676/2732.htm?660

3. And how cool would it be to have Mr. T, I mean Sergeant First Class Bosco Barracus team up with 'Sniper' Stanley to kick some Persian Gulf ass?!?!


Image from http://www.dollsandtoysaustralia.com/ateam.html

Sure, the A-Team was famous for its poor marksmanship (remember all that semi-automatic weaponfire that landed at the bad guys' feet?). But 'Sniper' Stanley can more than cover for B.A. Barracus' poor shooting. And then B.A. can go in and put some Bad Attitude hurt on the Iraqis via hand-to-hand combat! Afterwards he can do a sales pitch for 1-800-CALL-ATT.

Imagine: me with a case of Old Milwaukee strapped around my waist, on the banks of Lake Harriet, storming a homespun sand castle with Mr. T and 'Sniper' Stanley. This is going to the the best Labor Day ever, if the LD Genie comes through for me!!!

Damn, I can't think of a better way to support our troops. Well, except for taking action with BringThem Home Now's webpage. A guy who goes by the pseudonym "Mick Golden" sent me the link today and I just heard about this group on the radio last night. The Pentagon spokesperson kind of blew it off as a tiny minority and rambled on about The War On Terror, which somehow includes Iraq. Ugh.

Jackasking A Question

Last night Emily and I went to the lovely suburb of Spring Lake Park, which is a good 25 minute drive from our house. Once there, we had grilled pizza, which, according to Emily, is a new grilling fad. But if you haven't had it yet, I highly recommend trying it out next time you want to grill, but are sick of burgers and brats. To learn more about grilled pizza, click here.

Our friend Rachel was also there and we talked a little bit about her experience at Carlos O'Kelly's with her fiance Gabe. Take the time to read Gabe's blog about his experience at Carlos O'Kelly's by clicking here.

So as Emily and I were drving home, we passed a billboard for Perkins. This made me think two things. First, I wondered why Perkins doesn't have an apostrophe in its name (McDonald's for example, does have an apostrophe). I am considering referring to their name to the Apostrophe Protection Society to see what they think. It's a snooty British site to use if you want to post apostrophe abuse (like the one pictured below).

Picture from "http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/examples_4.htm"


The second thing I thought was "Damn, there are a lot of shitty restaurants in the world." This includes chains like Carlos O'Kelly's and Perkins and holes in the wall like Wok and Roll (which Emily and I used to live next to) and a terrible sandwich shop I once went to in Dubuque, Iowa. But I am sure someone out there says, "Man I love those soggy subs from Dubuque's Shittiest Sub Shop! And someone out there, as you read this, is jonesing for a Perkins taco salad. I can hear them say "It's crazy! You can eat the bowl!"

So then I wondered, out of all restaurants and chains that are out there, what percentage of them can be classified by at least one person as his or her favorite restaurant? I should ammend that question to say, at least in his/her top five (it's hard to just settle on one restaurant, I think). I'd say the number is pretty high, maybe above 50%.

Then when we got home, we watched Sleepless In Seattle, a very mediocre movie. We have Netflix, which makes it very easy to rent movies that you only kind of want to see (as evidenced by this most recent rental). It's nice not to have worry about mediocrity when you watch a movie.

Anyway, the movie is easily forgotten, yet a nagging thought lingers in my mind... "My horse! My horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

Oh wait, wrong thought. I am sure there is a small town's worth of people out there who love Sleepless In Seattle enough to dub it their favorite movie or put it in their top five. Like restaurants, there are a lot of shitty movies, and yet I bet a high majority stand as someone's favorite. So I am left to wonder, which is the higher number: the percentage of restaurants that make at least one person's top five OR the percentage of movies?

Any ideas?

You Gotta Fight For Your Right...

TO PARTY!!!!!!! Click here to see for yourself. You can't blame the guy for trying. For you non-Texans, Fiesta is a weeklong celebration of Texas independence in March. Consider it a PG-13 Mardi Gras.

Haven't had your fill of Texas oddities? Check this one out: Texas passed a law requiring kids to start the school day off by pledging allegiance to the flag. I know what you're saying, "This is a tired old debate." But the difference here is we're talking about pledging allegiance to the Texas flag. I strongly recommend clicking here to read more. This frivilous law is so easy to ridicule. But I am somewhat ashamed to admit my initial, primal reaction is to think it's cool. I guess that Texas pride in me dies hard. Plus it's like one-tenth as long as the federal pledge to Old Glory.

My principal in elementary school had us sing "Texas Our Texas," the state anthem at the start of every school day (to view the lyrics, click here). It wasn't until I went to college in Iowa that I found out that a) this was weird and b) most people don't even know the name state anthem, much less the lyrics. But until today, I never knew Texas had its own Pledge of Allegiance.

image from "http://www.underthings.com/underthings/mus46_lone_star_surf_short.html"

So gentlemen, please removes your hats, and everyone place your right hand over your heart, and look at the flag on your screen and read the italicized pledge.
"Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible.".

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I try my best to avoid Bill Cosbyesque cute kids stories. Maybe kids do say the darndest things. But when they don't have age-appropriate expressive language skills, they say the most confusing things. For example, the first kid I saw at work today is four years old. He's sitting at the table and I sit down and ask him how he's doing. He responds with a question of his own.

First thing out of his mouth is "Do Mike live in a sausage?" Before I can even try find the context for his question, I need to do my job: teach him age-appropriate grammar. First I make him ask me if I live in a sausage, but with the correct form of "do." Leaving no stone unturned, I make him ask me again, only this time with the pronoun "you." This takes some time because the kid is really shaky with all the forms of "do," so now he's asking me "Does you live in a sausage?"

The net effect of all this is, once we have ironed out all of his grammar errors, he has now asked me if I live in a sausage seven times (in one form or another). I probe a bit, making sure sausage is the word he means to use. I confirm that by "sausage" he means the Merriam-Webster and pork industry definition of sausage or some 4 year-old definition of sausage, which could actually be "red brick house." But it turns out he means the sausage we eat.

I'm at a loss, so I say, "No. Do you live in a taco?" And he gives this incredulous look like I just asked the dumbest question ever and says without the hint of a smile. "No. We eat tacos. I live in a house." I wanted to say, "No doy you hypocrite. Why don't you shut up and go make me a house made out of sausage." But I refrained and got on with the lesson plan. Even so, and even if it is with someone 27 younger than I am, this stands as the strangest conversations I've ever had. I am still looking for the context.


Last September and October, another kid used to ask me at least five times a session, "You go to monster cave?" I wanted to say, "What the hell are you talking about?" but told him time and time again, "No, I don't go to the monster cave. Do you?" But he kept asking, so there had to be a context. Then on Halloween Eve, I was driving home on Shepard Road for the 40th time since Labor Day. I therefore drove past the "Spooky World Haunted House" for the 40th time and BINGO, it hit me, that was the monster cave. Context found.

But do I live in a sausage? I don't think I'll find that context to that question on the roadside of Shepard Road.

The Actor with a Curl

What actor or actress has been in the widest range of great to awful movies?

I posed this question to some friend who were over for dinner Thursday night (specifically, the world's laziest blogger L-Dawg and her husband). And since then I haven't been able to stop thinking of nominations.

I was never satisfied with my original nominations, which included:

Dustin Hoffman (but he was in only one truly horrible movie, Ishtar)
John Candy (no disrespect for the dead, here)
Tommy Lee Jones (was anyone else besides me subjected to Volcano?
Bruce Willis (punished for Armageddon and Last Man Standing).
Mel Gibson (Conspiracy Theory GOOD, The Patriot BAD).
Chevy Chase (Fletch vs. Fletch Lives and Vacation vs. all the other Vacation movies).

The problem with this list is it involves actors who are tied to either an action or comedy drama (Dustin Hoffman being the exception). So I asked the question on Saturday when I was going for a long run with some friends of mine from MDRA. And one of my friends said right away, Nicholas Cage. And I can't think of a better nomination.





From the comic and visual masterpiece Raising Arizona to the shit-fest that was Con-Air and all the movies in between, Nicholas Cage has done it all. Not just from great to terrible, but from drama to action to comedy. Click here to see for yourself. When it comes to versatility in being in great and shitty movies and all the shades of grey in between, the Lifetime Achievement Oscar Award goes to Nicholas Cage. Well done Nick!


And I know what many of you are thinking. What about the ladies? To be honest I can't think of any that match the men's ability to be in shitty and great movies. Maybe ladies are just a lot more consistent with their decisions. Are there any other actresses or actors that also deserve mention (or that can unseat Nicholas Cage)?

God Bless Texas (please)

And may the Lord have mercy on her soul.

"When there's something strange, in the rotunda, who you gonna call....."
QUORUM BUSTERS!!!!





Tom DeLay and those SOB Republicans are trying to gerrymander Texas into pizza pie again. I have no idea how this will play in the national media, but I am outraged at what is happening in the Texas senate. It is embrassing for the state, but more importantly, it has got to be embarassing for Republicans. I know in my heart that if the Dems were pulling a redistricting stunt like this, I'd be very embarassed. In the meantime, it is fascinating to see this unfold. I think democracy and the constitution will once again collide in the courts.

Molly Ivins wrote an excellent piece about the whole sitaution that appeared in today's Minneapolis Star-Tribune but I haven't found it posted anywhere else yet. I will post a link to her column when it becomes available. The gist of it is that what is happening in Texas is basically a 5th grade playground bullying battle. And the Dems are actually entitled to whine "NO FAIR!!!" in this instance.

For instant gratification, check out Mark Fiore's animated rant against Tom DeLay by clicking here. Speaking of DeLay, he needs a nickname. Why does the Sugarland Shithead always come to mind?

Minnesota politics are shifting and changing. But even when the state had an ex-professional wrestler for a governor, it had a long way to go before it caught up to the zaniness that goes on Texas. First the Ardmore 51 and now the Texas 11. Yet somehow California gets all the press as the Land of Crazy Politics.